Sacrifices don't only happen overseas.

I've been thinking over the last couple days on how to write this post, but recently I have felt convicted to write about my experiences going through "re-entry". This note will probably be honest and raw but I want to be able to explain a little of what it feels like to re-enter ones "home" after an extended amount of time overseas.  This is surprisingly my second time to re-enter my home country and I've read and posted articles by others, but this is my personal journey.

When moving overseas I was congratulated and blessed for following God's calling overseas.  I was greeted with statements like "Wow, may God bless your work!" and "We'll be praying for you and your ministry!" I was taught to expect the sacrifices that will follow, I knew that life would be different and challenging, but those new challenges were welcomed and expected!  I was grateful for the adventure that God was taking me on, and eventually, I was amazed at the heart that I had developed for this foreign country and people.

During my times overseas I may have complained about the challenges that come with living in a foreign country, and I may have counted down the days till my next visit home.  But I loved this adventure that God was taking me on.  I felt blessed receiving so many encouraging emails from around the world telling me they loved reading about my journey and were praying for me.

I always knew I sacrificed my life of comfort in the states for this uncomfortable challenging life overseas.  At times I missed my family and friends so much, but then God brought some of the best friends I have ever had into my life.  We shared experiences together that most people wouldn't believe, they missed their own families, they explored new places with me, they loved this crazy foreign world just as I did, they became my family.  I also saw God work in some miraculous ways, I saw and felt God using me, and what an amazing fulfilling feeling that is!

But then something happens or time passes, and I'm not sure why or how, but God calls us to move on, and sometimes that means moving back to our "homes", and no matter how prepared you think you are you can't anticipate the heartbreak that will follow leaving this place where you have grown so much.  While I was living overseas my walk and relationship with Christ grew immensely.  I had to learn to depend on him even when I felt like everything was changing and was different from what I was used to.   But now I'm being called back to my "home" the place where my family lives, and where I'm supposed to feel completely comfortable and it's supposed to be easy.  So why isn't it easy?  Why do I feel heartbroken? Why do I feel out of place?

I'm following God's guidance, but sometimes it feels easier to follow him overseas than it does here in the USA.  I am no longer greeted with the same greetings (and that's ok) but am greeted with huge daunting questions like "What's next?" and "How was your time overseas?"...and I'm not sure what to say.  "It changed my life?"..."Do you have a couple of hours and a box of tissues?"..."I have no idea what's next, yet."

Surprisingly enough, I also miss those frustrations of living overseas.  Those uncomfortable challenges that God put in front of me.  I miss the problem solving, and laughing with friends about the silliness of different cultures and our interactions with them.  I miss feeling like God is directly using me, I know it's only been a few months, but I also think the anxiety of "will I ever feel like that again?" hits you pretty bad.  I also miss the body of Christ.  Here in the states we aren't as dependent on the body of Christ, we have our families, technology, AAA, government and so much more to fall back on.  Many times overseas it was simply people who I work with and minister with that helped me out, comforted me, mentored me, and lived life with me.  We depended on each other for so much. Little did I know that when I moved back to the states that I would be asked to sacrifice so much as well.

My intentions of writing this blog isn't to ask for pity, or even to sympathize for me.  I know that God has big plans for me...even if I don't know what they are yet.  But my point is to explain a little of the thoughts and feeling that come with moving back home.  I don't feel like this is home necessarily... I feel like I left home for another home.  I am different and therefore the US is different, I have to find where I fit in again, where I can serve again, who are my friends are, who I can call on a friday night to hang out, and how can even my family relate to me.  I'm not giving up hope that I will never again go back overseas, but for now I sacrificed my life overseas to follow Christ, and to me right now, this seems more terrifying.

There will be plenty of tears, laughter, anxiety, and joy...but this is after-all an adventure.

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good."

-Romans 8:28 (The Message)  

    

Merry Christmas from Kenya!

Merry Christmas from First Love Kenya!

Some of our kids worked to retell the story of the Nativity.  Pretty cute if I do say so myself.

A honest note about the worst part of missions.

After living in many different places, meeting hundreds of amazing people, forming great friendships, and then saying hundreds of good byes I have come to the conclusion that good byes are THE WORST.  And the worst part is that with every good-bye it seems to only get worse.  Each good bye is a reminder of my past good byes.

Today I said good bye to over 60 of our kids at the First Love children's home and it sucked.  Some of you may be wondering why I'm already saying good bye when I'm not actually leaving till next week, but because of Kenyan law all orphans are supposed to have some legal guardian that claims them as family. The families may not be able to take care of them year round, but they are supposed to take the kids at Christmas time, so that each child remembers and understands where their family heritage comes from.

Anyway, I always knew that I wasn't here for long term, and knew that I would eventually be leaving and saying good bye to these kiddos. But I guess I just just try and fool myself that the good byes will just get easier... when in fact its just the opposite.  It also doesn't help that I'm probably still grieving leaving my last home and some very dear friends that I had to leave behind.

My passion is seeing God's work being done around the world.  I love seeing his children working for the greater good.  But why is it that my passion, that God has given me, has also created the biggest heartbreak in my life.

The last three months have been so many things, exciting, adventurous, exhausting, frustrating, and so so great!  But I have had to say some of the hardest good byes, and it is only through the power of God that I am able to say good bye one more time this next week.  I know it won't be my last, but this is what's in front of me now.  Plus I still have 25 other little orphans who need me this week.

If you think of it this week, please say a little prayer for me.

So much love for these kids.

Boy's Dorm

The boy's dorm is especially busy with new kids coming and claiming their rooms.  I'm so glad I was able to finish these paintings before their arrival!

Philippians 3:14

This is my prayer for these boys, that even in the tough times they will press on towards Christ!

A Thanksgiving to remember.

*side note, I thought I would have way more time to blog about the happenings of living in a children's home but alone time comes very infrequently and I'd like to apologize.  

The last few days I started to feel a little sorry for myself...which is pathetic.  This time last year I was eating street food Pad Thai in Thailand and looking forward to finally spending thanksgiving with my family the following year.  However through a turn of events and God leading me this way and that way here I am in Kenya and I am the ONLY American in sight.

I started feeling sorry for myself that I wouldn't be eating anything special, in fact I'd be eating the same Kenyan food I've been eating every day for three months, and that the last time I was with my family on this holiday, was when I was 17 years old! It's easy to get down on yourself but then God has an amazing way of reminding us of Truth.

This morning I woke and took a little extra time in getting ready, making myself look extra nice for a day that was simply another thursday in Kenya.  But after I spent the morning reading with several children and then wrapping all of their christmas gifts, I was alarmed to hear wailing coming from outside the home.  I rushed outside to see what the trouble was but ran into our director and 4 new little kids (for their sake I'm keeping their names private).  They had just arrived at the home and were getting out of the car when this little girl (about 4 years old) came rushing out and began running to the gate and screaming at the top of her lungs.  I immediately went to go and investigate.

There were two young boys who were obviously quite traumatized by the screaming and wailing.  One little boy was quite good at english and was able to communicate with me.  He was so sweet and introduced himself to me, and told me the names of the other kids.  I told him I was so glad he joined us and excited for him to meet all the other little boys.

The other little boy was virtually silent and did not understand any english or swahili, making it nearly impossible for us to communicate with him without using some kind of charades.

The two little girls were sisters and while one was already at the gate screaming and wailing the other stood back and was fighting back the tears.  I walked to her and rubbed her back and gave her a big smile telling her I was so happy to meet her. I told her my name and asked some questions about her, but again it was obvious that she did not understand english or swahili.  These two little girls were only about 4 and 5 years old but going through one the hardest challenges no child should ever have to go through.

After taking the kids to be introduced to the other children, our director later told us that the oldest boy (who spoke english) was the product of a rape.  His mother was raped at a young age and was so poor that she wasn't able to take care of him any longer.  Seeing such a confident happy boy coming from such a violent act is amazing and unimaginable in my mind.  But then again, God is bigger than sin.

The younger boy comes from an extremely poor family, the reason why he only knows his mother tongue and not Swahili or english.  He came to us because his aunt could no longer take care of him.  His father a few years ago murdered his mother and then committed suicide in front of him.  How can a child go on after seeing such acts of sin?  How does this kid have even a chance at a normal life? But then again, God is bigger than sin.

The two little girls' mother is a teenager.  Imagine a teenager having a 4 and 5 year old, not to mention we didn't even take their younger brother.  The mother is an orphan herself and was living with her aunt who had 6 of her own kids.  The mother and her 3 children were unfortunately a burden and they could not support all the kids.  So the mother decided to send her first two away so she could focus on finishing high school.  Can you imagine?  When I asked our director what was her reaction when he took the screaming little girls away from their mother he said she was more relieved than anything.  How can a teenager have three kids?  How are these little girls supposed to go on after being abandoned by their beloved mother?  But then again, God is bigger than sin.

My job now is to simply poor the love out on these kiddos.  All that I had been worried about earlier that day about spending this day with my family and eating turkey seems so pointless. God has blessed me with this opportunity to share my love and more importantly Christ's love with these kids.  I am brought to tears at the thankfulness I feel today.  These kids deserve so much more, but I will love them with all that Christ has given me.

At our evening devotion tonight I shared 2 Corinthians 4:15-16 which says:

 "All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.  Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." 

I am not here in Kenya because of the money, the traveling, or even the experience.  I am here because I truly believe that by loving these kids God is glorified.  I told the kids that my prayer is that by God using me and the rest of our First Love staff that they would be overflowing with thanksgiving.  That not only I, but they would give all the glory to God, and even in those days when I'm tired and sick, my soul would be renewed daily and God would give me the strength to carry on.  

This is what I thought about today, as I had five little girls holding onto my hands arms, shirt, legs, this is the Truth that God has reminded me of today.  This is the Thanksgiving I will never forget. 

Girl's Dorm Transformation!

One thing that all the kids asked for was decoration in their dorms. They have these giant bare walls and because there are nearly 70 rowdy kids living at the home, frames and pricey art seemed like it was out of the question.  So I ventured onto a new adventure and decided to paint murals on the walls myself.  It's taken me a few weeks, trying to avoid painting while the kids are home.  But I've pretty much finished the girls dorm and am on to the boys.  Just wanted to show a little update of what I've been doing in my spare time.  The girls are absolutely in love with their new artwork!  

Quinter with their requested bunny friend.

Birds in the sky

They specifically requested a bunny

This was my first painting, the easy birch tree

Kendi and Grace showing off their tree and swing

Obviously they chose a nature theme, I hope to come back and add some more native Kenyan animals.

The Waterproof Nation Needs Your Help!

My heart remains in the Philippines and it breaks to see the suffering and devastation right now in my southeast home.  As my newsfeed and inbox fill with emails pleading for prayers and families searching to hear from their loved ones I am convicted to write this update in hopes that it will touch someone else's heart and give them an opportunity to help!  My good friend sent me this update just on Sunday morning from Manila:

Filipinos sometimes call themselves the Waterproof Nation. Typhoons are not uncommon but this one most definitely is. On record as the most extreme storm of its kind ever, Typhoon Yolanda has dramatically impacted the most vulnerable of this country - the fishermen with shack homes on the beach, the women and children taking refuge in evacuation centers that turned out to be inadequate, those too poor to stock up on necessities of food and drinking water before the storm hit.There is little information coming out of the central Philippines yet as cellphone towers are off-line and Internet access has been cut. The info we are getting is coming from satellite phones and military planes taking supplies down there. The number dead is projected to be more than 10,000 with thousands more injured and displaced. The video footage is horrific. So much suffering!Please pray with me. 

First Love has numerous missionaries working down in areas that were greatly affected by the storm.  First Love has already raised $12,000 that has been sent to our missionaries down there, but we are quickly realizing that this isn't nearly enough.  Our president, Tom Clinton, has sent out a new challenge of $25,000 to be raised in order to better help the people of the Philippines.  

This is where the money donated will go to...

We are going to focus most of our relief efforts with the needs of our missionaries,Dan & Tori Beaver, and their work with the poor on Boracay and Panay Islands.  Their pre-school for the Ati Tribe children on Panay was destroyed and their housing apartments for teachers was also severely damaged.  100's of poor residents of Boracay are currently staying in their 3 story ministry center and are in need of food, water, dry clothing, and a bed.  We will also try to help as many as possible with repairs to their homes.  We will also wire funds to our missionary teachers,Mary Olson and Lindsay Pund, who are teaching at Bethel Christian School in Tacloban so that they can assist those in need who they personally know.  I would also like to help Cleo Undheim's brother and his family who lost everything they own during the earthquake last month in Bohol and now they are even more distressed as this Typhoon has hit them.  Obviously, the more money we can raise the more people we can help.  I would like to "go deep" with our help of people, so that it is not just a one time gift of a small amount of food, but 3 months of a deeper commitment to assist as many as possible to get back on their feet over the long haul. 

After seeing so many typhoons in the Philippines already, I know how resilient these people are, and they will not let this beat them. It was always amazing to me to see a family, after losing everything in a storm, get up the next morning and start sweeping the dirt floor and cleaning the mess the storm had left.  Help us out by praying for these people, for the government and give to relief efforts.

Here is how you can give…. You may make out your check to First Love International Ministries and mail it to: PO Box 15836, Loves Park, IL 61132 and write: "Typhoon Relief" on the memo-line of your check or you can make a credit card donation if you wish by logging onto our website at:  www.firstloveinternational.com and clicking on the donate button. 100% of your gift will go directly to relief efforts.  Thank you!

Thanks much for your willingness to help our First Love missionaries in this time of great need! May God bless your efforts richly! 

The Devastation is much worse than we imagined!!!